Worst Moments in Comics
Flash Annual #6
Story title: "Undercover Angel"
Writer: Mark Waid
Artist: Phil Hester
Synopsis:
It’s nighttime in Keystone City, and two men, one a member of a
syndicate operating in the area, and another who’s an undercover
federal agent, Nick Kovak, who’s real last name is Kelly, are
meeting in an abandoned train station to discuss a possible
“wiseguy”, an FBI mole who goes undercover in the organized crime
business to gather incriminating information against the gangs he’s
penetrating, whom the older guy reveals he’s found out is the
younger guy he’s summoned to the train station. Instead of blowing
the whistle on him directly to the rest of his cronies, he’s got a
better plan: to make it look as if a rival syndicate, known as the
Combine, was the one that killed Kelly, so that in the midst of a
gang war, he can climb the ladder to the higher ranks within their
own gang (wow, when there’s war going on? And when did it ever
become that easy?). But before he can carry out his big
assassination plot and plans, two hefty aliens with names like
Glonth and Veney, who can even disguise themselves as humans, break
into the station room they’re in and one kills the older guy, while
Kelly is lucky to survive the attempt by the other to put him to
death by draining his spinal fluid (gee, is it really that tasty?),
and then discovers he’s gained superpowers from this close encounter
with the worst kind that enable him to blend in with shadows, a fair
amount of extra strength (so, what else is new?), infrared vision,
and the ability to jump to great heights.
He then takes on the name Argus (though the codename itself didn’t
actually seem to be mentioned in the story), while the Flash and
Linda Park are also trying to figure out simultaneously what’s going
on, and goes to investigate to see if the aliens had anything to do
with the Combine, though they didn’t, and soon the one named Veney,
who’d given him the powers in the first place (and doesn’t even seem
to care) is eating two of their members in the HQ’s parking lot.
Linda Park and a cameraman from the city’s TV news station soon come
upon the aliens’ actual headquarters, situated in an abandoned
slaughterhouse factory (oh wow, a factory, and specifically, one for
dealing with cattle! Isn’t that convenient?), where the cameraman
gets slain by Glonth, while Linda is taken hostage and tied up
inside the factory for a later meal. Flash and Argus soon arrive on
the scene to stop Glonth and Veney from another planet and rescue
Linda. Flash deals with the green skinned one with long looking
limbs, and Argus deals with the stockier looking one who looks like
he’s got fur. After Flash injures the long-limbed Veney badly with a
bunch of metal rods, the alien then shoves a train car with fuel
tanks on it in the direction of the factory, setting it on fire
before trying to flee, during which time Flash speeds both Linda and
Argus, who’s already gotten the hots for Linda, out of danger’s
reach, and the plant blows sky high (wow, what’ll be next? Just
burning it down, maybe?). Linda, who’s already figured out who Argus
really is, lets him know that if he’d like to go out on a date with
her, to just give her a call, and Argus decides to keep trying out
his new secret ID as a vigilante.
Comment:
I don’t think there’ve been that many times in the past when I’ve
been as disgusted as I was with this dirty excuse for a crossover
connection, to the Bloodlines
crossover of 1993, which took place in this case within the pages of
various annual issues of many leading DC series of the times. This
one, which also notably took place somewhere in between the parts of
Waid’s “Return of Barry Allen”
storyline, whose premise, involving the would-be return of Professor
Zoom, Barry’s worst archnemesis, has always come as a questionable
one to me, was but one example of how lowly the whole crossover was.
Now let’s see what we’ve got here: aliens who can shape-shift and
disguise themselves as humans smaller than their own regular size,
among other things we’ve already seen done before in Aliens, Predator, and even the
Terminator, and they take
to butchering helpless humans for the fun of eating them and even
dining on their spinal fluid and such, often at times leaving their
blood splattered all over the place in their secret hideout. And
leaving me and others with a very bad aftertaste.
Poor Linda Park is like a rose in a cesspool here, having to contend
with the usual tired notion of being the damsel in distress, and I’m
going to have to note that I’ve seen such aspects being done far
more interestingly in other, better books. And of course, we’re
expected to buy into the idea that the alien named Veney who turned
on Nick Kelly is actually capable of granting his human victim with
superpowers, let alone death. It just didn’t make any sense to me,
other than the fact that, if nothing happened, then there just
wouldn’t be a story, now would there? Though that would’ve been a
great thing in this case, I can tell you that much.
And it just goes to show how sometimes, comic book writers and
editors mimic too many scenes from the movies, what with the
showdown taking place most conveniently at an abandoned factory, and
namely, a slaughterhouse factory for cattle, apparently to put some
emphasis upon what these two ridiculous aliens for some are doing
while on earth. I just couldn’t believe my eyes, or at least what
they saw when they were about to doze off. It gives a whole new
meaning to the term “derivative”.
I had also had the misfortune of reading the Detective Comics annual that
was part of this monstrosity from back then, and while even Chuck
Dixon is a pretty good writer, there was nothing he could do to save
it from the lethargic bloodfest that too was either.
The whole crossover, from what I can tell, was apparently also
written up for the purpose of introducing as many forgettable
characters as possible, Argus being one of them, and it's intersting
to note that, as redundant as he was, DC still credited Mark Waid as
his creator. Seriously though, what's the use? He later starred in a
same-named miniseries in 1995, and after making a few appearances in
a couple other places, seems to have largely vanished from view
since.
After wasting my precious time with this dud, I am so glad I didn’t bother to buy
the Titans annual from the
year of 1993 as well. It just makes me shudder to have to think of
what horrors even Nightwing, Starfire, and Arsenal could have to
cope with in whatever nightmares were foisted upon their series as
well from back then. Take my word for it folks, this is most
certainly not something
you’d want to waste your time or money on. (Though I do wonder if
Linda ever ended up necking with Kelly later on.)
Copyright Avi Green. All rights
reserved.